Dear Beating Heart,
I see you sleeping tonight, your breath moving softly across the pillow. I know you are dreaming. I’m in your dream and although you don’t know, I have always been in your dreams. I am you. Tonight some of you will dream that you have been given more of me. When you wake up tomorrow, you must know this… I have not given you more. I hope that brings you comfort, not sorrow, in knowing that I have never promised you more of me. Because of this I am rooted in truth. I have never wavered in my promise to give you more, or less, of what I have to offer to you. I am 24 hours each day, moments ticking, one by one. I am time. I am yours.
I wonder if you’re dreaming that I can fly or that you can freeze me. Tonight in your dream, I am standing still. I see you walk to the edge of a meadow, and peek behind an old oak tree. You see it, the tiny sliver of me you thought you had saved. Sometimes I am fleeting, across the ocean, or freezing like a snowflake landing on your cheek. Only to quickly disappear. All simply dreams.
I want you to know something, as I watch you sleep. I don’t ever feel like you have wasted me. Not one breath you have ever taken has been lost to me. I have cherished every single moment we have shared. It has all come together to make us who we are right now in this moment. And this moment is all I can ever promise you.
There’s a photograph hanging on your wall. We both remember that time. I am pleased that you captured the moment. I know those photos mean everything to you. I only ask that you don’t linger too long. Turn, step forward and seek me. When you watch me on a clock, it is not truth that I never move. If only it were that easy. When the time is right you say. I tell you, sweet one, the time has never been more right than this moment. Are you waiting to do something? To see someone? Are you waiting to travel to a place that exists only in your dreams? Are you waiting to make a call that you’ve wanted to make but you were waiting until the time was right? My child, the time is right.
I am asked one question by you above all others. Could I please give you one more day? One more day to say goodbye. One more day to say “I’m sorry”. One more day to say “I love you”. Have you considered that today is your one more day? I cannot be carved, budgeted or lost. I will not slow down for you, or speed up. You cannot kill me or freeze me. I am both quantity and quality and the choice will always be yours. The choice will always be yours.
I do not have the power to heal all of your wounds. I don’t know who would say such a cruel thing to you. I have no such power. Some things will not get easier as I pass by. We will just nod to each other and know for certain that we have danced in sorrow together.
How do you spend me? I see you asking yourself that every day. Can I gently ask you to stop? The answer you give yourself will never satisfy. And I want nothing more for you than to gently love who you have become. You spent me, and it was beautiful. It was beautiful. I know you wish for more. If I gave you more, it would change who I am to you. If I gave you more, our moments would diminish.
When you awake today you will see me as an illusion. You will believe there is more of me. I promise you, while you may feel a tiny sigh of relief , I am always the same. I understand you may relish the 60 extra minutes you will feel today, but you know the truth as do I. I will come back for you in the newness of spring. I have never promised you more. That is my gift to you.
Some of you will feel darkness pressing down. Someone, somewhere believed the lie that they could change me. If the darkness presses in to you tonight, I can help you find the way out. Light a candle not for yourself, but for another. The reflection and warmth of the light will soothe. For some, it is a long time until spring. Light the way for each other.
I want you to know something else. Do not feed the soul of regret. I know you are doing your best and I have never asked anything more of you. You are doing your best. Allow yourself to breathe inside those words. I am here for you always and you have never failed me. I hear you and my heart skips. I remember the moments with you and I treasure them. Those moments were chosen. They made you who you are at this exact second.
I want to leave you with one last promise today, sweet one. I promise you this without fail. I won’t wait for you to start to live outside of the dream you had last night.